Sunday, March 24, 2013

Better and better

I feel like I kind of should be worried because, well, a job is kind of a great thing to have.
But if I had gone yesterday I would probably have come home and been fine. Then woken up today worried. And woken up tomorrow looking for reasons to flee the state, knowing I had an evening shift. And this would have continued day in and day out. Therefore, this is the better thing. And I feel better.

In other news, last night I had the great privilege of taking my (hopefully) someday little sister (and wonderful friend) to her first show at Velour. And what a night it was.

The evening began with Boots to the Moon, who is moving to Seattle, and he really was lovely. You could tell he really felt it and I've found that's what makes all the difference.
Polytype followed. They are the only "indie-electronic" band I've ever found myself comfortable listening to. Normally it's really off-putting for me but they left the vocalist's voice alone and that made it so beautiful. His voice is something I'd quite like to fall asleep listening to.
The evening ended with The Moth and The Flame; soon moving to the great Los Angeles for new adventures. Being in that same room with all these people, some I knew and some I didn't, was breathtaking. Music and really, for me, especially Velour is such an experience.
I felt so connected to everyone around me, to the band, to myself.
It's nights like those ones that remind what it means to be human; to be real.
How lovely is that?

Friday, March 22, 2013

3 down, 100 to go.

A couple years ago if you had told me that this is where I would be - sitting at home waiting to start school in the summer, with a cute little missionary away on his own adventures - I would have laughed at you.
And laughed and laughed and laughed.
"I know what I'm doing," I would've said to you, "I have a plan." But I don't.
I have no idea what I expected for myself; I still don't to be honest.
I'm the kind of person who loves to know what's going on. I hate not having a plan drawn out for the next however many years, and I especially hate when plans I do have change on a whim.
Yes, I spent a semester at college away from home. Away from my family. Away from my boyfriend. Away from everything that is important to me. So when something super important drew me back, though I knew I had a good reason to come back, it drove me crazy. It still drives me crazy.
I just started a job I'll probably quit. I hate it. I'm not happy there and it's miserable. I can't wait for school (I love school, always have) but it doesn't start until May.
Like my friend Jo, I'm trying to do this crazy little thing called "following my heart". I'm trying so so hard to have faith and to do all the right things and do what makes me happy until things work out and something feels right.
I just feel so completely lost and confused and incapable of making good decisions for myself. I just can't stand this feeling completely insecure and like nothing is right and like I have no other option but to move away and start over so I don't feel like such a failure where I am. And even though I know SO many people feel like this, it's really a lonely way to feel.
I'm really hard on myself and tend to feel like I'm never quite doing enough, but then if I add too many things to do I go crazy and get awful anxiety that pretty much keeps me from doing anything at all. So I have lots of decisions to make in terms of what's actually important to me and what I can handle.

So that's what I'm working on. Figuring out a life without this sweet boy right here to help me make my decisions (or essentially talk me through all options and pick which one he thinks is best and I go with that - that's mostly how I like things to go).

Mine is the cute blond one, second from the left.

He's been in the MTC for about three and a half weeks. In about two weeks he'll go out to Washington and start his adventures. 
And in the meantime I'll figure out whether or not I want to keep this job, or even whether or not I want to keep ANY job. Basically in the meantime I'll figure out the parts of life that I have to. And it'll be okay.